Returning To Work – Top Tips For Managers Of First Time Mums And Dads

If you’re a manager of a Mum (or Dad) who’s returning to work, how do you make the transition back easier?  Here are our tips and advice from Geraldine Gallacher, founder of The Executive Coaching Consultancy.

Gender Pay Gap reports have shown something we’ve noticed for the last 14 years at ECC since we launched Maternity Coaching back in 2005. Women’s careers flatline when they become mothers.

One of the most striking take outs from our experience of coaching women through the period when they become mothers, is that their relationship with their manager is vital. The women we coach talk about managers that “get it” and those that just don’t.

The latter can be either women that have done it the hard way and expect their younger colleagues to just suck it up or men that have non-working wives who have no concept of the difficulties she’s facing . But these are mainly baby boomers.

Times are changing and younger couples are far more likely to share care and work responsibilities. Managers that “get it” recognise this and are also good role models themselves when it comes to the work-life “sway”.

To help managers gain a better understanding of the psychological journey that many career women going through pregnancy experience, we use a model, (perhaps unfortunately labelled) the VAST Model (Vigilance, Appreciation, Separation and Trial).

Here are some tips for managers for the various stages of returning to work.

V is for Vigilance – Would I Be Able To Do This If I Had A Baby?

This is when a woman first learns that she is pregnant and she begins to scan her work environment through a new lens. It’s through the “would I be able to do this if I had a baby?” lens.

She is taking a more measured look at the amount of time she spends in the office. “Will I be able to do this in a less elastic day? Are there ways to help me work smarter? How am I going to fit it all in?” 

She might not feel comfortable sharing these concerns but a smart manager will be sympathetic to this increased vigilance and consult with her about her returning to work plans. Other managers, sadly still too many, worry about having any conversation with a pregnant woman lest they say something wrong and so they opt to say nothing!

Her Career Plans

The only thing you can’t ask legally, in the UK, is “When are you coming back?” lest you place pressure on her. Notwithstanding the legislation, it doesn’t stop you having a conversation about her career plans. But, if you do, don’t make assumptions.

An assumptive positive is encouraging – “What’s your feeling about going for Partner/MD next year/move abroad next year?” Or the more open-ended, “Let’s talk about your career” works too.

What doesn’t work is the assumptive negative – “You won’t really be wanting to go for Partner/MD/take that international assignment now that you are pregnant, will you?”

Involve Her In The Decision Re: Handover Plans

Another tip for the Vigilant phase when she’s pregnant is to consult her early on about her plans for handover. Don’t wait till the last minute and then hand over all her work to someone she either doesn’t know or, worse, doesn’t trust.

Involving her in the decision is a strong indicator that you expect her to come back and pick up where she’s left off. That’s a vote of confidence which goes a long way.

Many of the women we coach worry a lot about their job being given to someone else in their absence and then not getting it back on returning to work. Unfortunately, these fears are not always unfounded. So much changes so fast that often women come back to a different manager. Although you can’t guarantee the job will remain the same, you can guarantee your sponsorship and support.

A is for Appreciation – How Much The Baby Has Changed Your Life

No-one can really convey what impact a child will have on your life. It’s impossible to anticipate and it’s different in every case. In my case, I could never have appreciated how much “in love” I would feel with my son.

Like some of the women we coach, before they go off on maternity leave, I was talking about it as though having the baby was something on my To Do list!  Almost as if it was another task to squeeze into my already busy life, running my own company.

In addition, I had just been appointed a NED for a plc.  I reckon I was more focused on that than the fact I was about to have a baby. I simply didn’t appreciate the strength of emotion that producing a little human being would have in me.

When I got closer to home to be reunited with my little boy, my heart would thump with excitement – I wasn’t prepared for this feeling!  It changed me enormously but it didn’t change my career focus.

Conversely, I have coached women who are beyond excited about the baby coming and plan everything down to the last detail. Some of them have found themselves assailed by a sense of failure and unhappiness when the experience didn’t quite live up to their plans. And there’s a whole range of reactions in between these two examples.

A Significant Life Change – For Dads Too!

In all cases, this stage is about appreciating just how much the baby has changed your life. Of course fathers go through a significant life change too. Far too little is made of this. I think all managers should check in with new fathers just as much as new mothers and indeed encourage them to take their parental leave.

It’s such a momentous occasion I would definitely advise managers to make contact when the baby has arrived and send something personal. Don’t just let your secretary do it from the team.

Getting It Right

I once coached a lawyer whose firm sent her a text on the day of her baby’s arrival to say “it’s not our policy to send flowers but congratulations on your new arrival”. She still talked about this many months after the birth. She was particularly offended because she had received an enormous bunch of flowers from her husband’s company and yet she was the primary breadwinner. Her family and friends kept assuming the beautiful flowers were from her firm not his and she was embarrassed to admit that wasn’t the case!

On another occasion, a new mother felt hurt that she got sent one teddy bear when she’d had twins. She knew it was an honest mistake.  However, she found it hard to shake off the feeling that work was already forgetting her.

S is for Separation – After Maternity Leave

This is the returning to work phase. It can be really hard but it isn’t always hellish. For some women the return to work feels initially like a honey moon. Coffee uninterrupted, proper conversation with adults, feeling the synapses in the brain snapping into shape again. It can be a great relief being back at work.

For these women the assumption that they are miserable and missing their baby makes them feel guilty. Again, it’s wise to ask and not assume what’s going on for her. But, there is no doubt that for many it is tough.

It’s made much tougher by the number of times that a returning to work mother falls victim to flu/bad throat/baby with chicken pox on the very day that they are expected back.

As a manager I would build that into your thinking i.e. you may have to be flexible about the return date and she might be fragile on her return. Be on the lookout. Make sure you do sit down with her on her return to work as early as possible.

If you work in separate locations ensure you phone them on day one. I know it sounds like common sense but you would be surprised how often this doesn’t happen. A number of women that I have coached came back to having their desks moved from their own office to the open plan.  In one case, no desk at all and being unable to log on for a full fortnight.

The Practical Things

One high flying banker took a big client out for a business lunch to find her company credit card rejected. That has such strong connotations of not being welcome that it can have a significant impact on their feelings of loyalty to the company. It also plays havoc with their confidence.

So, as a manager, take care of the practical things to make her feel welcome. And again, check in with new dads. I’ve coached men who have gone through extreme stress when there has been problems around either the baby or the mother’s health.  Yet they have not felt able to take sufficient time off for fear of being viewed as less career-committed.

There is as much stigma about men leaning out as there is around women not leaning in.

T is for Trial – Work Life Balance

New parents are constantly evaluating how they can integrate work and life. It’s a constant juggle.  When they feel low on energy it can be tempting to think it would be easier all round if one of them just took a job that was less high pressure and closer to home. Often this is the woman. (Although that is changing as women in their 20’s are just beginning to earn as much as men. As I said up front, the Gender Pay Gap really kicks in after women have children.)

Returning to work after a new baby is a trial period for new parents. They are seeing what it’s like, trying it out for size. Unfortunately, for women in particular this feeling is often accompanied by feeling “on trial” themselves. Some talk of leaving the office on time as the “walk of shame”.

One “thoughtful” manager in an investment bank re-sited their returnee near the fire escape so she could slip out unnoticed when she was leaving at 5.30!  She felt a bit patronised by this and would have preferred that they intervened more forcibly in the office banter such as comments like “is that you working half day again?”.  And role-modelled good working practices themselves by leaving on time occasionally.

It Lasts Beyond The Early Days Back At Work

The Trial period actually lasts way beyond the early days back at work. New parents will likely go on to have another child.  You could say that the whole enterprise of starting a family is one where parents are constantly adapting and assessing how best for them to both have a fulfilling life both at work and home.

Good managers recognise this and see it as a relatively short-term phase in what are much longer careers.  They proactively provide ongoing support for both men and women with families. These are the managers that build a following and find they are able to attract and retain talent. The old adage still stands. People don’t leave companies, they leave managers.

I hope some of the tips I’ve described help you to be one of the managers that “just gets it”.