Finding Your Sense Of Self After Motherhood

According to an article in The New York Times, ‘becoming a mother is an identity shift, and one of the most significant physical and psychological changes a woman will ever experience’.  The Guardian newspaper comments how ‘people who go from being non-parents to parents undergo a seismic identity shift’.

That’s good to know and I too realised that nothing quite prepares you for motherhood.  So, how do you go about finding yourself again?

Below is my post from Clemmie Telford’s blog, Mother Of All Lists:

Who Am I?

• I just didn’t feel like me anymore.  I’m not quite sure when it happened exactly but I had begun to have these overwhelming moments of wondering who I was and what I was doing.  Sometimes it would stop me dead in my tracks and I would feel at a loss as to where the old-me (the strong, capable, could-deal-with-anything-me) had gone.
• Yep I had become a mum and had walked into motherhood naively and maybe with a tad of arrogance, thinking ‘what’s the fuss about?!  It can’t be this hard!’  I had been in corporate life for 15 years, surely having a baby and caring for him/her would be a walk in the park?

BOOM

• It all hit me.  The joy of a new born, the pain of bereavement (my mum passed away when I was 7 months preggers), the feelings of being totally inadequate as a new mum.  A few months after my son was born, I remember walking around the town I lived in, pushing the pram and blubbing my eyes out.  Some days I felt in total control and other days totally out of my depth.  I missed my mum massively.  We had moved out of London to be near her and I had no-one to tell me, ‘it’s ok to feel like this, things will get better, you’re a good mum’.

It Wasn’t What I Thought It Would Be

• Motherhood just wasn’t what I thought it would be; it was hard.  I think the problem was that I had so many expectations going into motherhood.  I had expected the pregnancy to be easy, but I had been floored with sickness in the first trimester.  I didn’t bloom at all!  I also thought I would be an amazing mum and that I would instinctively know what to do.  But that didn’t happen either.  Maybe I just needed to have had a little more faith in my abilities?  But it was all new and a little bit of a shock to the system!
• And let’s not go into how the utter lack of sleep makes you feel.

The Loss Of My Work Confidence

• I found going back to work really tough even though I had only taken off 6 months mat leave.  There was a massive dip in my confidence. Some of the stuff I used to take in my stride just seemed more daunting and scary than before.  I just remember feeling that I was really sh*t at my job.  There had also been some changes at work, some not that positive for me, and these had affected how I felt too.  And that’s a tough situation to go back into, for anyone, let alone a new mum.  It was disorientating.  I didn’t feel that I was as valued as I had been, and I felt that people treated me slightly differently.  Looking back, I’m not sure if that was true or whether it was me just wrangling with how I was feeling internally.
• I read a lot about imposter syndrome and I was well and truly feeling it.

Work Identity Versus The New-Me

• As someone who had worked for years, my identity was so heavily intertwined into my work-identity.  After becoming a new mum and having time off work, I wasn’t really sure who this new-me was anymore.  And, if I’m honest, I’m not sure that I liked her that much.  When I read that now, I’m annoyed for being so harsh on myself.
• With work too, I found it easy to recognise when I was doing well.  I had monthly/yearly deliverables to achieve.  I knew when I had hit my targets.  People would give positive feedback.  I might get a little bonus, a pay increase.  As a mum, I didn’t really get any feedback at all.  Actually, the only feedback I did get was from all the crap that was going on in my head and that wasn’t particularly positive.

Say Good-Bye To The Old-Me

• Over time and with hindsight, I realised that I would probably never get the old-me back but that wasn’t such a bad thing.  I did sort of miss her, but I had changed quite a lot.  And quite frankly, it was time to get to grips with the new-me and to stop giving myself such a bashing (in my head!)
• We give ourselves a hard time, don’t we?  Whether we’re mums or not, we put so much pressure and expectations on ourselves.  I found that I wanted to be perfect.  I wanted to be great at my job, be an amazing mum, to look fab and to effortlessly juggle everything.  The joke was on me, right?!

Setting Your Expectations Too High

• For me, being a mum and trying to juggle work, kids, aging in-laws etc, has been tough.  I’ve struggled with it all.  I realise now that I set my expectations too high and didn’t take how I would feel into the equation.  I wasn’t remotely gentle on myself; something I regret now.
• We forget about ourselves and often put ourselves way down the priority list, don’t we?  IMHO, it’s time to get a little bit of ourselves back.

Embracing The New-Me

• I decided a while ago that I would try to be a bit kinder to myself.  Yep I had changed but of course I had!  I wasn’t the old-me anymore, but I was the new-me and I wanted to embrace her more (rather than pandering to the past).
• 12 years into being a mum, I realise that it is all a learning curve and we do the best we can.  Don’t get me wrong, there are still days when I think I’ve cracked it but other days when I still feel inadequate and go to bed vowing to stop shouting, be more patient, be a better mum.  But I try to be less harsh on myself and gently remind myself that we haven’t hit the teenage years as yet!  

Time For Me

• I’ve started to invest in me a little more too by building some time in my week for me – to do some of the stuff that I like to do. It took a while to actually figure out what I liked to do or to remember it, I suppose.  But it has made a big difference to how I feel.  It was like reclaiming me back a bit.  And I’ve started a new business that I’m very excited about (just to add to the chaos!)

Stopping The Inner Bitch Voice

• I was a bit fed up with all the questioning going on in my head and all the sh*t I was feeding my mind.  Am I good enough?  Is my body lean-enough?  Have I been a crap mum today?  Blah blah.  In another post I wrote, I called it my Inner Bitch Voice and she can be a hard one to please!  I told myself to be gentler and I’m calming this voice in my head down as quite frankly, she is not my best advocate.  I am doing my best and that’s what matters.  It might not be up to my previous expectations or standards, but those can take a running jump!  I value my mind more these days.

Accepting Your Mum-Body

• My body is amazing – stay with me here before you think, what the hell is she going on about or that she has got a big ego!  I refuse to feel rubbish about my cellulite, my saggy boobs, my thread veins etc.  My body has changed big time since kids plus I’m getting older.  However, I have built 2 little people – how bloody amazing is that!

You Are Still Capable & Hugely Experienced

• And as for work-work*, I’m not doing the same job I used too and sometimes that is tough.  Sometimes I want to shout, ‘I used to look after $m’s of business’.  However, I keep reminding myself that I am still the capable, experienced person I used to be.  No-one can take all that away from me, ever.  I now have other strings to my bow that I wouldn’t have had without having children.  My work-identity has definitely changed but I’m seeing that as a positive thing now.  * I’m calling it ‘work-work’ as I often find my ‘mum-work’ harder than work-work and wanted to acknowledge that!
• I mentioned above that I’ve set up a new business.  It’s something that I am really passionate about.  And this has helped me hugely with finding me again.  I think maybe it’s because it’s something for me – if that makes sense?

Knowing Who I Am Again

• I’ve learnt that identity is a funny thing.  I’ve realised it can quite easily be shaken and it also can affect anyone, of any age and of either gender.
• I have spent a lot of time looking for the old-me which was maybe a mistake.  It ate away at my mental well-being.  I now feel like I know who I am again.  Yay!  It has taken time, tears and some soul-searching – but I quite like the new-me.

If this resonates with you, why not read our tips on helping you to re-connect with yourself again.