How To Manage Your Emotions Through Menopause

Mid-life and the menopause can be challenging, both physically and emotionally. The physical symptoms can include hot flushes, night sweats, brain fog, aches and pains and changes to our desire for sex or our ability to enjoy it.

We may also feel emotional changes, such as increased anxiety or depression, which can be attributed to hormonal fluctuations but also the circumstantial changes to our work, family and relationships as we get older.

I tweet daily Mid-Life Meditations about the emotional aspects of menopause – and the ways we can make changes and help ourselves through this time.

I believe mid-life can also present opportunities to get in touch with our minds and bodies in a new way.  Below I’ve focused on what I consider to be the five most important actions we can take.

Feeling Feelings

Before we can hope to deal with our feelings, or even change them, we have to be able to identify them. Many of us have spent our lives focusing on managing the feelings of others – our children, partners, co-workers or friends.  And we may have been repressing our own, especially ones we might label as “negative” or “wrong”.

It can be quite a shock to begin experiencing new, strong emotions but not really knowing what they are – or what to do with them.

If you’re new to dealing with feelings, a good first step is to find somewhere quiet, breathe deeply and get into your body. Ask yourself “what am I feeling?” If you don’t feel anything at first, that’s ok. Just try again later.

You might want to set a timer for a few times a day while you get used to tuning into yourself. You can also set aside a notebook for your feelings. This serves the dual purpose of being both a way of releasing your feelings and acknowledging their presence.

If you can, try to stay with your feelings while they last, especially the stronger ones. The more you open up to feeling them, without trying to distract yourself out of them, the faster they’ll pass.

Letting Go And Detachment

So we’re feeling our feelings and realise that there are a lot of things in our lives that we feel strongly about – or even downright furious!

If we’re used to marching headlong into a situation – on our behalf or someone else’s – and trying to force through a particular outcome, now is the time to start practising detachment and letting go.

First, we need to work out in any given situation how we feel. Then, it’s time to identify what’s within our power to control, and what belongs to someone else. This involves stepping back and giving ourselves some distance from the feeling or situation so that we’re responding, rather than reacting.

This is also important in situations where our desire to control can be seen as “positive” or “helpful”. Those around us, especially our loved ones, need to be able to make their own decisions and mistakes.

We don’t have to force life to go a certain way and we can’t rescue everyone from the consequences of their actions.  Sometimes it’s a lesson that needs to be learned. People need to be allowed to be who they are, even if sometimes we wish it were different.

Try to picture the person or situation in your mind as clearly as you can, then imagining literally letting go of them and setting them free. Trust life to look after them, giving you more time and energy to focus on yourself.

Acceptance

Closely related to detachment and letting go of what we can’t control is accepting what *is* ours. This includes how we are at a given moment, how we look, how we feel, our life situation, finances, past and plans for the future.

This doesn’t mean that we need to sit back and not try to make plans for the future or improve ourselves – far from it. It just means working from where we are right now.  And being brutally honest with ourselves as to where that is.

It’s also very freeing.

We’re at a stage of life where we’re hopefully more at home in our own skin than ever, so theoretically it should be easier to accept ourselves. But even now, we can feel under pressure to do mid-life perfectly – to eat right, exercise in the right way, be happy and fulfilled etc.

We need to let ourselves off the hook and be ok with ourselves and our lives that can sometimes be messy and difficult, as well as joyous and fulfilling. To let go of some of the “shoulds” that can plague us.

We also need to accept losses and change during menopause.  This can be the loss of fertility, sometimes the loss of the generation above us, or of options that we had when we were younger.

This acceptance is a type of grieving.  If we’re already feeling our feelings and letting go of what’s not ours, we will move through these losses faster.

Staying Present

Being present or “in the now” is not a new concept.  It has definitely gained popularity in recent years thanks to mindfulness and meditation becoming increasingly mainstream. How does this fit into the menopause and mid-life?

Meditation is great – and not just because it makes us more productive at work or less likely to lose our temper at the slow person in front of us at the supermarket checkout.

It’s wonderful because it brings us back to ourselves and our real lives. It’s a great way to help us feel our feelings and let go, as it involves just observing what’s happening in our bodies and minds without acting or intervening.

It also has the welcome side effect of making us more relaxed.  This in turn can affect the frequency of hot flushes and night sweats and improve the quality of our sleep.

There are different ways to bring mindfulness into our days. We can become more aware of our bodies.  Pick an activity you do every day (such as cleaning your teeth) and become more aware of your body’s movements.

We can also set aside time to sit down and just notice our breath. There are lots of apps available (like Headspace or Calm).  However, it’s also possible to simply set a timer, sit somewhere comfortable for 10 minutes or so, and just focus on the breath. It really doesn’t need to be any more complicated than that.

Being more present benefits us, but also those around us.  Having someone give you their full and undivided attention is a wonderful gift.  And one we can share with those around us freely.

Gratitude

The final piece in the puzzle is gratitude. Gratitude is the magic ingredient that sees us through the bad times and helps us appreciate the good.

It’s also a good antidote to the habit many of us have gotten into of moaning and focusing on what’s wrong in our lives, rather than what’s right.

If we’re feeling grumpy, resentful or victimised, nothing shifts our perspective more than being thankful for that we have. In fact, the less grateful we feel, the more this will help us!

Consciously thinking of ten things each night before we go to bed (or, even better, writing it down in our journal) will help us appreciate what we have, regardless of our current circumstances, and make room for more good stuff to come into our lives.

Bio

Cat Dean is a writer and coach. She is author The Postnatal Survival Guide, co-author of Fertile Thinking, and writes daily Mid-life meditations on Twitter @meno_pause.

Feeling Lost Or Stuck?

If you’re feeling lost or stuck and want to reconnect with yourself, push yourself forward and thrive more – but just don’t know how to – then Lou (founder of Woman Ready) can help you. Have you thought about life coaching?  Or why not check out our course, 30 Days To A Happier You?