The Mental Load – does this sounds familiar?
You wake up………
“what day is it? Wednesday. OK, I must remember to check that Tilly has a clean PE kit for tomorrow. Must collect the dry-cleaning so that my red dress is ready for Friday’s presentation. Is it this weekend that we’re going to Jen and Nick’s party? Do we need to take something? Must remember to text her. Oh hell, the house insurance is due this week isn’t it, must not forget that.”
You get up and start your day.
Is this the sort of thing that is going on in your mind from the minute you wake up? And as you’re on your way to work and as you’re trying to fall asleep at night?
Do You Carry The ‘Mental Load’ In Your Household?
This is referring to the burden of remembering, and usually also doing, all those tasks required to keep a household ticking over. In many cases, this is shouldered by the woman of the house.
Are you the one who plans, who notices, who anticipates, who researches, who worries? Maybe you’re constantly thinking of everything to ensure the smooth running of the household? Are you the “Knower of All the Things” in your house?
Invisible work
This is often invisible work because no-one really sees it, but it is constant, consuming and exhausting. We do thousands of tiny tasks without anyone noticing at all.
Through years and years of social conditioning, women have been taught that their primary role in society is that of the caregiver, and that career and self are secondary.
Conversely, men have been socially conditioned to view their role as one of provider and breadwinner. I do see this starting to change but very slowly; our conditioning runs deep.
This mental load, that so many women carry, goes beyond doing everything. It’s about remembering everything – what a burden! Often we don’t realise we are even carrying this mental load.
We saw our mums doing it and we see other mums doing it. Additionally, we feel a huge pressure towards perfectionism, feeling that we’ve failed if we don’t do it all. We are conditioned to help others. And we don’t like to say no and can feel reluctant to delegate.
We want the best for everyone and we want to look after them.
Transition Points
A key point at which I see an increase in the mental load is on returning to work following maternity leave. When baby comes along and mum stays at home, for maybe up to a year, the way you run the household is different from before.
Then when you go back to work you still carry the load from when you were at home full-time. Maybe reallocating tasks between you and your partner, but still somehow carrying that mental load of it all.
It seems that the majority of women also feel that it is their responsibility to stay on top of their children’s activities. We take on the CEO role of our family.
What I often see as a result of this mental load are worn out, angry and stressed mothers, who spend time berating themselves for not doing better!
Enough! Let’s stop this.
Take Action With These Practical Tips
First step – recognise what’s going on in your life. Ask yourself if you are carrying the mental load for your household.
If the answer is yes let’s have a look at what you can do about it.
Try the following practical tips:
- Write out your mental load, everything. Then take a long hard look at it.
- List out daily, weekly, monthly, annual tasks so you actually know what needs to be done – quantify it. Everything from insurance renewals, to kids clubs in the summer, to emptying the bins.
- Discuss with the others in your household to assign these tasks to all members of the family, kids included depending on their age of course. When you do this make sure that you really have them take responsibility for the task; don’t just delegate. Then step away and don’t check up that they’ve done it – well, maybe for the kids but not your partner.
- Have regular family meetings where you can continue to refine who does what in your household. And remember it’s a great example to set to see Mum and Dad taking equal responsibility.
- Know when to ask for help. This applies to both partners. There are times when work is really busy and you don’t have time to complete all your household tasks, at times like this it’s ok to ask for help.
Taking this approach requires some extra time up front but it’s worth it to enable you to focus on just your share of the mental load not the whole thing.
Bio
This article was written by Lisa Florit from Alto Coaching and HR Ltd. Lisa spent a 25 year HR career supporting business leaders in the corporate world before setting up her own business to focus on developing women leaders.
She helps women to break through the barriers that stand in the way of their success in both their working and family lives.
