Post by Avril Flynn. Without a doubt one of the biggest changes, and challenges, that we can face as women is adapting to life as a new mum. Regardless of your own personal circumstances, there is the life before motherhood, and a life after.
As a midwife it has been the privilege of my life to witness and support women as they take this huge leap into their new selves. When I became a mum myself, it gave me a deeper understanding of not only the process of ‘becoming mum’, but a first-hand insight into how hard it can be.
It is a beautiful, confusing, hard but ultimately an incredible journey. I wanted to share a few tips that I have learned on how to ease your own transition:
Accept That This Will Take Time
Bar the physiological facts, I think there is a more profound reason pregnancy is nearly 10 months in length. It takes a long time to get your head around that the new love of your life is going to arrive.
However, even with that time, the second they are born, it’s still a shock! In that minute, you go from being you, to being two. In a time when so many women are so brilliantly adept at grabbing every opportunity in a fast-paced world, it still takes a significant amount of time to be able to fully embrace your new ‘self’.
Whether you feel an instant rush of love or more of a slow-burn – time is your friend. So, take it. Don’t think you need to ‘feel’ a certain way. Don’t be afraid to feel a full gambit of emotions, all in close proximity to each other.
There is a wonderful phrase call ‘Matrescence’. It is a description of the period it takes to fully embrace motherhood. Similar to adolescence it is a time of great flux, and challenges and there is no one way to do it. Give yourself the space – and time- to find your own way.
Focus On The Small Wins
When a new baby arrives, one of the most common words mums use to describe how they feel is ‘overwhelmed’. The love they feel is overwhelming, but the tiredness too. Looking down the barrel of weeks and months can feel too large, so choose not to.
That may seem an over simplified response, but truly it is about focusing on your daily wins. If that’s getting your baby latched on right, becoming a ‘winding’ master or it might be making it to the shops by yourself, perhaps managing to soothe your little one to sleep with your voice – take them all.
Allow yourself to enjoy every small win, every little satisfaction, and let any negativity just fade. One thing I always try and get my clients to focus on is the positives of how well they are doing, however small these things may seem. They will soon add up. And you will be shortly becoming your own baby’s expert. You will get to know every gurgle, sound and cry – and that is your power as their mother.
Find Your New Tribe
One of the things I love about being a woman is the firm and lifelong friendships that we are so capable of having and maintaining. A truly brilliant way of adapting to your new role is discovering the joy of meeting other like-minded mums. They will understand the peaks and troughs and can commiserate and laugh along with you.
New motherhood, even if you have lots of friends, can feel isolating. Talking to other mums who have babies the same age means there is so much that you don’t have to explain. Even if like me, you wouldn’t necessarily be a fan of groups!
Mother and toddler or breastfeeding support or baby massage groups can be such a wonderful way of meeting and experiencing the journey with others who are on your wavelength.
Give it a go and you will be pleasantly surprised by how lovely it is to just spend time seeing that everyone else is just trying to figure it out too.
Take Every Hand That’s Offered
Particularly as an older mother, a midwife, and very self-sufficient individual I found it so hard to accept help when it was offered and even harder to ask for it when I needed it.
No matter how brilliant and successful you are, you are going to need help to ease your transition. That help can come in the form of your partner, your mother, your brother, your sister but if you don’t accept it when offered the first couple of times, people don’t tend to keep offering indefinitely.
If it’s not offered, then don’t hesitate to ask. If you, like so many people, including myself, don’t have a lot of family around then fear not, there is still plenty of help available.
Postpartum Doulas are the most amazing resource. You can hire these incredible women to come into your home and help you with feeding, light housework, holding your baby so you can grab a precious few hours’ sleep or just having a cup of tea and feel truly supported.
I am an expert in newborns but I literally couldn’t have survived without the services of these incredible women. I’m happy to say they remain an integral part of my tribe to this day.
Accept That You Are Perfectly Imperfect
As women, the ability to grow another human and sustain them with your own selves is our gift, and ours alone. However, despite us being the most magnificent creatures you are going to fail, repeatedly, at getting everything right – and that is ok.
You will forget things, be more tired that you ever thought, get frustrated, and at times yearn for your past self. Just know every single mother has felt like a failure sometimes, no matter how perfect they may seem.
You must allow yourself to join the joy, and pain, of being a perfectly imperfect mother. Remember you are doing the very best you can. You will succeed, but not without a few bumps and battle scars along the road.
You ARE amazing, doing a phenomenal job, you will get there, but you must very kind to yourself along the way. So cut the negative self-talk. If you are struggling then reach out. You will be comforted by the fact that every mother will have felt the same feeling and can support you in discovering your new self.
Bio
Avril Flynn LLB BSc (Hons) RM, is a midwife, law graduate, speaker, live event presenter, podcast host and writer.
Avril completed a Law degree and was training to be a barrister when she decided to change tack and become a registered Midwife. She spent over 10 years honing her skills in various public hospitals and in the private sector as both a midwife and fertility nurse.
While on maternity leave, she set up her own practice www.avrilflynn.com. She provides antenatal support, birth and baby preparation classes to families.
