You Are So Much Stronger Than You Know

Post By Kaley Zeitouni. 

All my life people have said to me, “you’re so strong.” Guess what? I hate it. I’m not denying that I’m strong; I am. But that implies that I have some power that others don’t. I could tell you that I am strong because I’ve had to be, but that isn’t true. I have always had a choice of how to approach or respond to the adversity I have faced. 

I hate when people say I’m strong because they assume I was just born this way or wake up this way each day. That couldn’t be further from the truth; being strong takes work. 

The Diagnosis That Changed My Life

When I was twelve years old, I spent almost 60 days in bed with my eyes closed due to symptoms that affected my vision and my legs. I was later diagnosed with relapsing remitting multiple sclerosis (MS). I had no idea what was going on and I was terrified.

But that fear wasn’t getting me anywhere, so I chose to focus on what I did have in my life. The abilities I had, my friends, and family. It wasn’t easy; while focusing on the positive comes easier for some people and for me, I still had to constantly choose to focus on it. It took work. In the beginning, it was quite hard, but with time, it became easier and more natural.

Cultivating Strength

However, there is something unique about experiencing MS when I was twelve years old that has taught me a lot about how we cultivate and develop strength. At that age, we don’t have enough at stake to think about potential loss. For example, an adult facing the same diagnosis might be thinking “what about my job?”or “how will I continue to parent?”

Children also have a natural sense of invincibility, which served me well. When the neurologist said to me, without any bedside manner, “you’ll be in a wheelchair by the end of high school and don’t plan on going to college,” it lit a fire under me to prove him wrong. It was a natural response as a child, a bit naïve perhaps, but that perspective saved me.

Invincible

You need to know this because you are no different. If you believed that you were invincible, then how differently would you respond in this moment to the challenge you are facing? 

If you had nothing to lose, there would be no room for fear. 

And guess what, the circumstances don’t actually have to be the same as they were for me in order for you to muster the strength necessary as if there was nothing to lose and as if you believed you were invincible. You just need to act like it.

In fact, you cannot afford to respond in any other way. In the decade plus that I have worked with patients, the ones who muster mental strength actually do better physically. Mindset is everything, and “mind over matter” is not just “woo-woo” but, in fact, scientifically proven. 

Even if you have to pretend, for this hour and for this day, focus on the positive. It takes work each day, and the more you focus on where and how you have strength, the stronger you will get. Your mind is so powerful. It’s the same mind that is keeping people from getting out of bed today and that is preventing you from facing your fears or being your best self. That mind has just as much power to get you through this. 

Leading A Fulfilling Life

Cultivating strength is one of the most important aspects of leading a fulfilling life. After almost two decades of ‘strength-training’ with MS, my fiancé died suddenly. There aren’t words to describe how excruciating that experience was. I’m not sure how I would have fared if I had not had all those years of practicing strength.

Even though nothing could have fully prepared me for that moment, all my prior challenges and the way I responded to them, gave me a powerful “resilience muscle” to face his death. 

In truth, every life experience is just preparation. It’s strengthening us for the rest of our lives, and I am so glad I had so much preparation because I know I would not have faced the grief with the amount of courage as I did and in a way that allowed me to find a renewed sense of deep love and wholeness in a short amount of time. 

The Resilience Muscle

In today’s society, we whine on Twitter about a small setback or the barista not making our latté perfectly. No one likes to feel weak or disempowered, but we think it’s a harmless post.

When we post something like that, we are building the “weakness muscle.” When you focus on these small things, you are hardwiring that response and you won’t be strong when something that will actually require you to dig deep for true strength hits you. So, you have to start today to build the muscle and quite literally create that neurology.

• Focus on what matters, and focus on what you can do.
• Focus on where you have power, and focus on solutions.
• Focus on how life is happening for you rather than to you.

You cannot afford to spend your energy any other way because life does happen and you want to feel strong when that moment comes. 

I’m not expecting you to just “have it.” Like I said, it takes work and often guidance. I remind my clients every single day how strong they are and help them build that “resilience muscle.”

I am by their side, on a daily basis to help them cultivate and then ingrain the strength they already have within them.  It doesn’t take long before they start experiencing life with immense joy despite the serious challenges they face, or even because of them.

So now I’m telling you: you are so strong. Even if you don’t feel it right now. If you aren’t showing it right now. You are so much stronger than you know.

Bio

Kaley Zeitouni is a Best Selling Author, Therapist, Coach, Speaker. More at https://grief.kaleyz.com/