Guest Post By Silke Thistlewood, founder of Nourish to Thrive.
Guest Post By Silke Thistlewood, founder of Nourish to Thrive.Feeling guilty about everything whilst at the same time feeling an intense need to do everything (preferably ourselves) seems a very common, but not particularly friendly or useful, combination in modern motherhood. I’d like to look at some reasons behind why we feel these emotions so strongly and offer some tools to tackle them.
First up, guilt.
As mums we seem to have the capacity to carry never ending amounts of guilt around with us. About important things like the choice of school or childcare or how many days to go back to work for, as well as the tiny and inconsequential stuff – think mis-matching clothes and not hoovering often enough.
We feel guilty whether we go back to work or not and about many of the numerous parenting choices each day brings, about how much we get done (or don’t get done), the state of our house, the state of ourselves and above all – taking time for ourselves. Which is a terrible shame, because any time we manage to carve out for ourselves that is overshadowed by guilt, is not very useful at all.
Here’s the good news – a little guilt is normal and healthy. It lets you know that you care enough about something (in this case parenting) to want to do it as well as possible. We’re also annoyingly wired to please others, so guilt exists to point out that we could be “more perfect” to impress or attract others. Such an antiquated left over in evolutionary terms but good to be aware of to help push back against this most unhelpful emotion.
Below are some questions to ask yourself to become curious around guilt, and to use that curiosity to kick it to the curb, or at least silence it for a good while.
Why do you feel guilty?
Is it through comparison with others? Are others parenting differently, taking more time for themselves, have a cleaner home? Ask yourself – what do they have in place that you don’t? Family help? More childcare? Different priorities?
Own YOUR choices and circumstances. You do you. Stop comparing all together as much as you can. And it helps to remind yourself that no-one has it all together and all figured out. Some people are just better at pretending!
Or is your guilt self imposed? Do you have impossibly high standards for yourself? Maybe standards from before you had kids? Like how tidy and clean your house was, or how much exercise you did?
Are you unhappy with a choice you’ve made? Maybe 5 days at work isn’t working out or a childminder would be better than nursery. Maybe you’d rather hire a cleaner than feel upset about the state of your house all the time. Guilt can pop up to show us areas of our life where we need to re-address things and change stuff up.
Has it been brought on through comments from others? Their judgement about you working/not working or your parenting choices? Remind yourself that this is more a reflection on Judgey McJudgeypants than you. They are deflecting some of their own issues onto you. But you don’t have to accept this – it’s not your baggage to take on board.
Is it kicked into high gear by your kid turning on the water works when you drop them off at nursery/school/whatever child care? I felt this one every time I dropped off my eldest for about a year! Man alive was my heart heavy every single time! I made myself absolutely miserable. I felt guilty for needing time away from my child and like I should be enjoying every moment with her but I didn’t. I’ve now learnt that this is ok and healthy! It’s definitely easier the second time, and I now cherish my work days and being without my kids because it makes me a better mum when I’m with them. And because I’m allowed to be my own person. I so wish I had accepted this a few years ago.
Actions to mellow out the guilt
Acknowledge it
Don’t ignore your guilt or push it deep, deep down and pretend it’s not there. It will bubble back up when you least expect it. Instead, notice it, acknowledge it and think about whether there is something you need to do to address it. If there isn’t, move onto the next step.
Give it a name and talk it out
It sounds crazy, and maybe don’t do this out loud, but giving that guilty voice in your head a name and chatting things through is a great way of processing it and driving it out of your system. Giving the emotion a personality separates it from you and you can look at the whole situation a little more objectively.
My mum guilt is called Margot, and she’s a little, frantically fluttering fairy. We chat frequently and I tell her that I have noted her concerns but that I’m in charge and I’ll be going right ahead.
Me: “Alright Margot, let’s talk”. Pats chair next to self.
Margot: “I don’t think we should take M to nursery today. She hates it and you should stay home and play with her all day.”
Me: “Thanks for your concern Margot. M will be fine after I’ve dropped her off and I will have so much more patience when I collect her this evening. Nice chatting to ya, speak to you again in an hour or so.”
Note the concerns, then take control and move along.
Feel the guilt and do it anyway!
Acknowledge that the guilt is there and then practice doing the thing you’re feeling guilty about anyway. This is especially important if you are feeling guilty around taking time for yourself. I used to feel so guilty about going to the gym and either leaving my toddler in the creche or with my husband but the more I did it, the more I appreciated the benefits that the exercise brought me, so it got easier and easier. Practice, practice, practice making time for yourself.
Laugh
You’ve got to. Because this whole parenting thing is pretty insane.
Laugh about the fact that your child is heading to school in odd socks or that you’re the only mum who brought shop bought cupcakes to the bake sale (you won’t be by the way but even if you are, the other mums will so wish that they had done the same).
Focus on what you are doing well
Instead of stewing in guilt, bring to mind some stuff that you do really well. Like read bed time stories, give cuddles, cook great dinners, go for walks together, knit soft toys etc. Whatever you feel you are doing really well as a mum, make THAT your focus.
What you focus on expands (moving seamlessly on from the last point)
And what you try to ignore is all you can think about (like pizza when you’re on a diet). So acknowledge the guilt as discussed above, but then let it go. Have your chat with the guilt fairy, then wave it goodbye.
Feeling guilty takes up a LOT of energy. Imagine what that energy could do, focused on something else!
Take some action
Action over anxiety is one of my favourite mottos. Action over guilt also applies. Do something, anything, to move you away from and dissipate the guilt. Physically get up and move your body. Remind yourself of the reasons behind the thing you are feeling guilty about.
Talk to someone. See next point!
Talk it through
This could be with a mum friend who gets it and can lend an empathetic ear, or with your partner, who more than likely has no idea about the many shades of guilt that are darkening your mum experience. He/she might not understand exactly where you’re coming from and possibly think you’re a little nuts, but it really helps to increase understanding to get these things out into the open.
For a while I had to get my husband to force me to take a nap/sit down/have a rest. When I was at my most anxious and the baby was quite little still, I just couldn’t stop. I felt so guilty for taking time out that I needed external permission from someone else to stop.
If that’s what you need to get you going – do it! Get someone to force you. And then hopefully with practice, it will become much easier and you will have no problem asking for the things you need and the guilt will dissipate, too.
I hope that the above has provided a decent guilt fighting toolkit.
If you like this post, why not read our article on how to re-connect to yourself.
Bio
Silke is a mum of two girls (6 and 2) and founder of Nourish to Thrive. After a brush with PND and anxiety after each baby, and being offered only unrealistic coping tools or prescription medication, she is determined to unearth simple and realistic self care, mindset and stress reduction tools for mums that will leave them feeling more resilient, calm, capable and happy.
Find out more on her website www.nourishtothrive.co.uk or in her FB community Nourished Mums.
