When I hit my 40’s, I reflected on the past 4 decades and realised that lack of confidence had affected many areas of my life.
Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t acutely unconfident – if you met me, you would probably say I was a confident person. Deep down though, I knew that I had held myself back. I would often doubt myself, over-analyse, over-question, seek other people’s thoughts and opinions.
My Own Confidence
My own confidence has been up and down throughout my life. Work confidence I found particularly difficult to pin down. A work colleague said to me once that he thought I came across as very confident at work which surprised me. Inside I was often wracked with self-doubt and thought others came across much more self-assured that I did.
My body confidence had been pretty high during my life though had wobbled during and after pregnancy. I found it hard to adjust to a different body shape (being less taut and aging were both taking their toll).
Social Confidence
Socially, I was pretty confident around friends and family though I was painfully self-conscious in front of people I didn’t know. Going to work events where I knew few people was particularly terrifying for me, after all, would my wit and small-talk endure 2 hours with a stranger? I didn’t think it would and would try various devious ways of getting out of attending the event.
What Would You Have Done With More Confidence?
I began to ask myself and some of my friends, what would you have done in your life with more confidence? It’s a great question; it really makes you think.
Would you have done things differently? Would you have chosen a different career? Would you have chosen a different partner to be with? Would you have been less bothered about people’s opinions? Would you have travelled more? Left home earlier? Chosen different friends?
Take my working life for example. Would I have asked for a bigger pay rise and more often? Would I have applied for different and more challenging roles? Would I have relaxed more in presentations? Would I have made more confident decisions rather than letting other people influence me?
And I think the answer is undoubtedly yes to all of the above. Sadly.
When I asked friends, a few said they would have changed nothing but most felt there were definitely situations and circumstances they would have tackled with more vigour and less self-doubt.
I kept hearing I would have put myself out there more.
I was beginning to realise that confidence affects so many areas of our lives – relationships, careers, well-being, public speaking, friendships, health, love life, socially – meeting new people, the relationship we have with ourselves.
The Realisation
After 40 years, I realised that I had a choice. I could continue my life with self-doubt and hold myself back or I could live a large life. One where I stopped being scared of doing new things, where I pushed myself forward, where I stepped out of my comfort zone more, where I was less concerned about what people thought. A life where I liked myself as I was.
I also realised that it was my right to love my body, to succeed in the workplace, to share my opinions, to give my love to someone who valued and respected me, to be able to go over to talk to a stranger at a party without feeling hugely self-conscious.
It was my right I feel good about myself no matter what the circumstances were.
Challenge Yourself, Control The Fear And Control Your Mind
I became fascinated with the subject of confidence and began to write a book (not yet finished) and started to blog about it.
I needed to challenge myself, to push myself forward and to step out of my comfort zone. It’s a cliché, but I was in a rut and knew I had to shake things up a little.
I now try to do things I am a little scared of. I don’t mean climbing Mount Everest but doing something that maybe I wouldn’t have had the courage to do a few years ago. And yes, it’s uncomfortable to start with but once you overcome something you were nervous of, you feel amazing and wonder why the heck you didn’t do it in the first place!
Taking action is key as is making sure that you don’t let your mind get the better of you. My own confidence has grown. I realised that the fear I had was all in my mind. I was the only one saying to myself, you can’t do that, you’re going to fail at that. By the way, this is a fab book to read that has really helped me with my mindset and positivity. Don’t be put off by the cover!
Laugh At It
Of course, you may doubt yourself but don’t let this stop you moving forward. Ignore the thought, laugh at it – whatever you do, don’t let it stop you. Try to swap out the negative thought for a much more positive and nurturing one – you can do it, you’re amazing at what you do.
Take Small Steps
Take small steps to start with. The process of taking action builds our confidence. Once you see yourself succeeding, you begin to realise you can do it. Then you take some further steps forward and your confidence grows even more.
Pat Yourself On The Back
Pat yourself on the back when you have achieved something, no matter how small. Take some time to celebrate; all too often we move onto the next thing without taking a moment to say well done!
And remember, you can either sit, and do nothing and wonder what life could have been or you can get busy doing it and see where life takes you.
Trust yourself. Create the kind of self that you will be happy to live with all your life. Make the most of yourself by fanning the tiny, inner sparks of possibility into flames of achievement. Golda Meir
This post first appeared on the everydaypowerblog.com.
If you like this article, why not read our tips on getting a confident mindset and 10 ways to be more confident.
