The sink is full of dirty dishes, the bin resembles a game of Jenga, and your partner’s gym gear is draped over the chair. Didn’t he say he’d clean up….2 weeks ago? An ongoing cleaning saga between you and your partner can be so cliché. However, it is a common dispute that has received greater tension as we spend more time at home because of lockdown. But how do you bring up your grievances without coming off like a tyrannical dictator?
Vanessa Perry from Unclutterer is an expert when it comes to navigating this ‘cleaning’ minefield.
‘The first hurdle to overcome is worrying about taking control of the situation. If it is something that seems like a genuine issue, then somebody has to step up and be a leader, and as you’re reading this, it looks like it’s going to be you. Do not view yourself as a dictator, more the head of a movement! You’re trying to make the home a better place.’
So, do not start screaming and pointing fingers? ‘No, a level head, and a well thought out approach is all you need. You’re looking to resolve a situation, not start a conflict.’
Am I The Problem?
It is natural to have anxiety when dealing with conflict (there is a reason we ignore problems until it becomes unbearable – we are only human). But before approaching your partner, Perry says it is best to establish what you want to resolve.
‘Different people have different levels of tidiness. To some, a book being left on the table is unacceptable, while others cannot see a problem in never putting their washing away. Write down a list of the issues you have with your other half and decide whether it is a problem such as a messy house, or something deeper. Too many discussions begin on one topic, and quickly mutate into an argument about something completely unrelated.’
Ask A Friend
Approach the situation with a friend, and ask if you think you are overacting, or if they have noticed you complaining about your partner more than usual. Whatever the answer to the conversation is, if it is agreed that your partner is not pulling his weight, then this is the matter you need to focus on for now.
Listing out everything you have an issue with is going to be overwhelming for him and will in turn put a strain on your relationship. It is also good to remember things that do not help, such as leaving passive aggressive notes on things or separating your items from theirs. It’s only going to create tension.
The Conversation
So, it is decided – you’re going to have ‘The Talk’. But where do you even begin?
First of all, you need to establish a common and safe ground. Don’t just walk into the kitchen while your partner’s making a cup of tea and say “Hi, how are you? Good? Anyway, this place is a mess and it’s all your fault”. Ask them when they are free to talk and plan it out. It does not have to be around a meeting table with a slide show, but away from distractions like computers and phones is a great start.
Start by bringing up certain areas such as the kitchen and bathroom and explain that it seems unfair that you’re always the one cleaning up. Clarify that it’s a joint effort, and that you’re in this together, using phrases like ‘I feel we could. …’ and ‘If I do this, you could.…’ as opposed to throwing accusations like ‘You never do this.…’
If you get the feeling that he does not see a problem with his messy ways, try to appeal to his compassionate side and help him see it from your point of view. You do not want to cause an argument and for him to become defensive. The point is to help him understand the situation, how it makes you feel, and how it can be fixed.
Rota
Ask if a rota would help as opposed to pushing one on the household. Personally, I prefer a more relaxed system of a list that must be completed by a certain date in the month, instead of ‘X has to clean the bathroom, and Y has to clean the kitchen’.
Having a list in the kitchen that can be ticked off gives everyone an idea of the system in place, and the time frame. It also sets up the opportunity to ask ‘Could you do the bathroom if I do the kitchen?’ whenever you are both in the same room as the list.
It is all about trying to clean together, even if you feel you have already been working above and beyond. If you want a more regimented rota in place, then that is fine but remember to stick to it. If your partner or kids are slow doing the chores, do not do the chores for them. Let them work at their own pace.
