Post by Catherine S Brahams, Author of Imprisoned by Love.
A few years ago, my best friend’s husband was diagnosed with early onset dementia. It was catastrophic news. By coincidence, another friend of mine is facing the same devastating situation now. And in both cases, the nightmare is exacerbated by Covid-19 and the lockdown that we are all having to endure.
I wanted to be a good friend but I also knew that having faced adversity in the past myself, I didn’t want to be guilty of showing pity on its own.
My Experience
When I was twenty-two, I was stabbed repeatedly in a random attack. I endured excruciating pain after the incident because I suffered damage to both the muscle in my right arm and the nerve in my left hand.
Over time, I recovered from the physical injuries but without the help of my close family and friends, I don’t think I would have emerged from the vicious assault without their help. Unfortunately, I was mugged a second time whilst I was on my way home from work. Even though the mugging happened nearly twenty years later, the only way I managed to face my pupils the following week, was because my friends and family supported me through yet another crisis.
Sometimes, I couldn’t face accepting their calls but I always listened to them. I remember who persevered and who gave up. I think your friends will too.
Are You A Good Detective?
Firstly, you have to notice that your friend is in distress.
If your friend is anything like my character, Sophie, it may not be immediately obvious that she’s in dire straits. She may erroneously think that she can manage on her own. In my novel, Imprisoned by Love, Sophie, is initially too scared to immediately let her guard down. As the Pastoral Deputy Head in a secondary school, she has to keep up appearances. Ultimately, she is forced to confide in her colleagues at work, her boss, her friends and even her grumpy neighbour.
So, you need to be a bit of a detective.
- Have you noticed that your friend has let herself go?
- Is she avoiding your calls or text messages?
- Is she behaving differently or unpredictably?
- Has she lost or gained a dramatic amount of weight?
Drowning In Her Problems
All of these are possible signs that your friend may be drowning in her problems, some of which may be long-term and impossible to resolve. Whatever they are, you can step in. Take the initiative. What’s the worst that can happen? Don’t easily give up. It may take you several offers before she accepts your assistance. Persist. She will appreciate it in the end.
What Practical Help Can I Offer?
Right now, we are all living in this weird “new normal” but ordinarily, and even during the lockdown, there are practical things that you can do to be a supportive friend.
Ask you friend how you can help her. Can you do her shopping? Would she like you to take her children to the park? Does she need help with the paperwork? Or would she just like someone to listen to her?
My close friends needed practical help with administrative tasks; they needed financial advice; they required short-term help with shopping and long term listening. Think about this: you have probably been rehearsing for this role all your adult life. There is no GCSE in friendship, nor should there be. Some of it is common sense. Some of it isn’t.
So, here’s some advice for those of you who are going to be that friend in need who is the friend indeed.
Can I Cope With Being Her Confidant?
None of us wants to be pitied. None of us wants to be regarded as “that poor young woman” who lurches from one crisis to another. We all want to be popular, don’t we? But real friends should be able to support us when we’re facing misfortune, regardless of how that calamity manifests itself. Either way, we need to choose our confidant wisely and in so doing, we want her to feel that the last thing she will need to worry about is that we may betray that confidence in us.
So, be discreet. Don’t be tempted to gossip about your friend’s predicament. If you do become the chosen friend, the one who is going to be there for her through thick and through thin, you may need to tell your partner (if you’re in a relationship) because at times he or she may feel as though the relationship has become a little crowded.
Good communication is essential.
What Not To Say
Don’t say: I know how you feel. You probably don’t. Don’t make your experience relevant to hers, unless she wants you to.
Unless your circumstances are exactly the same, it is unlikely that you can truly empathise with your friend’s circumstances, even if she’s getting a divorce and you experienced this last year.
Her experience will be different from yours. But your insight into suffering; feeling anxious and vulnerable or isolated and lonely, will be invaluable to her because you will recall how others treated you.
We all remember who our friends were in a time of crisis.
I Did My Best
When I was mugged the first time, I knew two other young women who were also victims of violent crimes. We all confided in each other. Although it was helpful to have friends in whom I could confide, each of us fared differently. Of the three of us, I was the only one with permanent scarring or injuries. I was the only one who couldn’t sleep through the night without experiencing traumatic nightmares. And I was the only one who was about to embark on a teaching career.
I did my best. I never cried in front of my students, apart from when we read the final chapter of Lord of the Flies! I frequently sobbed on the way home, invariably whilst sitting on a bus. In fact, I cried a lot. And I am not ashamed to admit it.
Sometimes the kindness of complete strangers was totally disarming. On one occasion, a woman bought me a coffee from Starbuck’s. She didn’t know me. She wasn’t my friend. She didn’t want anything from me. She was just a really kind person that realised that I was at breaking point.
Is There A Future Beyond The Crisis?
There’s always hope. And there’s always time. It may be a cliché but being a loyal friend is about being there beyond the immediate crisis; being there to help mould a better future for your friend so that she can see a way forward.
If you can do this, your friend will always be grateful to you but she will also never forget the kindness and patience that you afforded her when she wasn’t much fun to be around.
Bio
C.S. Brahams has over twenty-five years’ experience in teaching and Senior Management positions in the private sector. She also has ten years of experience as a School Inspector and has worked for both English Heritage and Bonhams Auctioneers.
Currently, C.S. Brahams works independently as a consultant in education and as a Governor for an independent girls’ school in London, where she lives. Imprisoned by Love is her debut novel.
