Post by Sera Johnston. Becoming a mother for the first time is a life-changing experience filled with mixed emotions. A natural process occurs, not only in preparing for your baby’s arrival but all the logistic and practical elements. At times, planning for a bigger family can feel daunting , yet somehow everything is done before the baby’s birth.
This was my experience when my first child was born. Knowing that everything was put in place before my child’s birth was a huge relief. I had taken a year as maternity leave from work, so I could be a full-time mum during that time. However, I knew I would return to work as I enjoyed my job and it was important to me.
Return To Work
The year flew by quickly, and it was time to return to work. I was ready, even though I missed my daughter terribly. For me, staying at home was not going to fulfil me. Little did I know that my world as I knew it would change in a heartbeat. The rug was pulled from underneath me, and it turned my world upside down.
Unfamiliar World
After just 13 months of my child’s birth to hear the words “Your daughter has Cerebral Palsy” was a complete shock. She didn’t look any different than other children her age. I was convinced that it had been a mistake and immediately sought a second opinion – in Harley Street. “Your daughter has Cerebral Palsy”, they were not wrong.
All my hopes and dreams for life as a new family quashed. I instantly blamed myself and asked ‘why me’. I couldn’t fully process it or understand how I felt, but I felt alone. This wasn’t in the plans we had carefully crafted before her birth. Yet, this was the reality now, and thus began a life into the unknown.
A life in a world unfamiliar to me – a disabled world. I had no idea what this meant or indeed looked like. However, in that moment, I knew one thing for sure that as a mother I would do whatever it takes to ensure my daughter was not another statistic. I became a superwoman because my daughter was going to live the best life, and I made sure of it.
Taking The Back Seat
Everything else took a back seat. I was consumed with my daughter’s care. It took over my life, well-being, and personality. The person I became was a tyrant, determined to cut through the red tape of bureaucracy when faced with negativity and barriers. It felt as if I was the underdog – the little guy.
Yet, the underdog mentality propelled me into going faster and going above and beyond what others expected – not just from a mother with a disabled child’s perspective, but from my daughter’s.
Days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months. We were consumed with hospital appointments, physiotherapy, Occupational Therapy, Orthotics. Plus endless amounts of paperwork justifying why a specialised piece of equipment was needed at school to ensure her safety.
Anything Was Possible
All this highlighting her disability and pointing out how different my daughter was. At the same time, I was proving that anything was possible and she was not going to miss out on opportunities and experiences. She attended ballet classes, drama and singing classes, appeared on TV, and featured in national campaigns. There wasn’t anything her peers did that she was excluded from – it just required a different approach or assistance.
The Overwhelm
The overwhelming strain of juggling the two very different worlds I was living in was beginning to take its toll. In the disabled world, I was a mum and a carer who would go above and beyond to seek out the very best treatment, even raising £75k in 6 months and flying to America for an operation, without meeting the surgeon in person until the day before surgery.
I was justifying and fighting for resources with health services. I was justifying her right to an education that will fulfil her true potential instead of categorising her ability due to cerebral palsy. At the same time, in the non-disabled world, I hid behind my professional label and created a persona of a person who is confident, competent, and assertive.
Loss Of Identity
I had been in denial of my daughter’s disability for so many years that I covered up those feelings with “getting the job done” as far as caring responsibilities were concerned. I was angry, depressed, and lonely, yet covered this up well.
The truth was I had lost my identity. I became a shadow of my former self.
I looked in the mirror one morning, as I was getting ready for work and honestly didn’t recognise or like the person staring back at me.
Enough was enough. I made the decision that I didn’t want to continue down this path.
Something shifted that morning. I knew that I was doing myself and my daughter a disservice. I knew I had to rediscover myself again, do what I enjoyed, and take back being responsible for me. I had to reclaim my personal power as a woman.
8 ways To Gain A Healthy Balance Between Being A Mum And A Woman
Here are 8 ways explaining how I gained a healthy balance between being a mum and a woman:
Connecting With My Inner Self
I started rediscovering things I enjoyed. I began to love myself from the inside and appreciate those around me. I enjoyed my own company. I love the smell of fresh flowers and bought myself beautiful yellow roses every week. I took time out for myself every Sunday for a few hours, relaxing with spa treatments at home. I made my environment relaxing and comfortable with scented candles.
Exercise
Rediscovering how much I enjoyed exercise and how going for a run or to the gym made me feel. It was amazing how different I felt simply by wearing my gym wear. I started slow by either going for a run or going to the gym, a couple of times a week.
Meditation
Practicing meditation was something I had never done before. I felt the benefits from the first session. I made it a habit for 20 minutes each morning. It gives me clarity and calmness and helps with a condition I was diagnosed with a few years ago, Vestibular disorder. It was a result of years of stress and ignoring my well-being.
Journaling
I started journaling each morning to focus better. I began to write down what I am most grateful for. This coupled with meditation have become daily rituals I continue to practice even today.
Mindset
The narrative I was telling myself had a huge impact on my thoughts. Changing the story and letting go of what I’m unable to change was empowering. It shifted how I viewed disability; I began to see what it gave me as opposed to what it took away.
Connecting With People
Connecting with people who enrich my life and avoiding those who drain my energy. It is important to notice who in your life is affecting your mental well-being and distancing yourself from such people.
Clothes
The clothes you wear reflect how you are feeling. I began to notice how certain clothes made me feel and tuned in to really understand how it affected my mood.
Stress
How I deal with stress today is very different to what I used to do before. Applying my daily rituals certainly helps, yet if I find I’m in a stressful environment, I walk away. I avoid situations that are negative and stressful. I also do not engage in other people’s negativity.
Life Today….
Looking back from where I am today, I am grateful for everything that has challenged me. It has taught me so many wonderful things. I certainly wouldn’t be a published author of 2 books, if not for all these lessons.
The way I led my life before is the complete opposite to how I approach it today. I am not driven by negativity and emotion. I shy away from confrontation simply because it is not what I want in my life, as I know how it affects me internally. That’s not to say I am always positive. Of course I feel negativity sometimes, but it is just a feeling. I have the choice to either react and give in or to act differently. I choose to let things go that are not important to me.
My Daughter
As for my daughter, despite being pigeon-holed in compartments throughout her schooling days, she has learnt to thrive, defining every single person who laughed at her hopes and dreams.
Now in her final year, studying for her law degree at University and living away from home independently. This is exactly what she had set her mind to do since school.
Post by Sera Johnston.
