We put ourselves under tremendous pressure to be perfect. We want to be high-performing, infallible, strong. Whichever adjective you want to use, our expectations of ourselves can be incredibly high. On top of this, we worry about how others see us, pretty much all of the time.
The Pressure For Perfection
The society we live in puts immense pressure on us to aim for perfection. From the amount of money we make, to the way we look, to the type of parent we are and so on. This sugar-coated projection means that we feel a sense of under-performance or even failure before we even get out of bed in the morning. So, we spend a lot of time internalizing our disappointment in ourselves.
Falling Short Of Our Own Expectations
Whether we are conscious of it or not, we all have standards for ourselves, and when we don’t meet them, we become frustrated, anxious, guilty, angry or upset. Everyone is different, with different standards. One person may expect to always land a business deal with a hot prospect. Someone else may expect to never make a mistake on a report or may want to be the best parent.
Yet we can and often do fall short of our own arbitrary expectations. Regardless of your own superhero standards, such criteria creates unnecessary pressure and makes everyday life that little bit harder to live.
Destroying The Feeling Of Fulfilment
Life coach Fiona Buckland says that, “these feelings can lead to intense self-criticism and destroy the possibility of feeling fulfilled. We then feel isolated, misunderstood and like our lives are disasters. We won’t compromise, we resent negotiation, we overwork and refuse to let go and delegate, as we don’t trust that other people will get it right.”
Often the need for perfection stems from the pressure we were put under as children, or if we feel inferior to others. But perfection is simply a construct of our mind, and unless it is a force driving us forward, it is not helpful. It can also have a detrimental impact on our performance and well-being.
Are Your High Standards Impacting Others?
We should also consider the impact our perfection standards may have on others. Parents who set unrealistically high standards can often put their children under immense pressure. Their tolerance for mistakes, mishaps or imperfection is lower. This is a problem for the developing child, whose growth often comes from making mistakes – that’s how most of us do our best learning, right?
Being Exposed As A Fraud
Perfectionism and imposter syndrome are closely linked, and this often affects people who are doing a good job. Imposter syndrome is a psychological pattern where we doubt our accomplishments and have a fear of being exposed as a ‘fraud’.
Valeria Young, author of The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women, describes it as “always waiting for the other shoe to drop. You feel as if you’ve flown under the radar of been lucky. If you dismiss your accomplishments and abilities, you’re left with one conclusion: that you’ve fooled them.”
Imposter Syndrome
It is very common for people to experience these feelings, although most of us are unlikely to speak up about them. We believe that people will judge us unfairly if we show a lack of confidence, or if they realize we can’t do something. And they may as well do so (depending on their view of the world).
So, we internalize these feelings, which in turn causes a low level of anxiety that impacts our day-to-day life. As well as anxiety, imposter syndrome can lead to additional mental health issues, such as depression, as we try to live up to some image of success, fearing that we might be exposed as unworthy and incompetent.
Feelings Of Inadequacy
Having humility and an awareness of our knowledge gaps, skills or abilities means we have a better understanding of how we can improve. And also where to focus our efforts. It means we mange any inclination to become arrogant, a trait most people don’t value.
However, when this awareness becomes negative, and we start to question our abilities, we may start to feel inadequate and lack in confidence, and this can hold us back. It can impact our career, our willingness to take on new challenges and even our relationships.
External Validation
Some people achieve great success despite their imposter syndrome, but unfortunately there are also many who don’t. ‘Imposters’ often seek external validation to make themselves feel better. However, this constant seeking of approval from others can lead to disappointment when it is not received, or when not enough of it is received. They have nothing to hide. Yet they’re consumed by their own doubt.
Sometimes changes in circumstances can bring about imposter syndrome, even when people have never experienced it before. Losing a job and starting a new one, or ending a relationship, are some triggers for these insecure feelings. This can lead to people losing confidence – even if it’s not happened to them before.
The employers who are doing a good job but are affected by imposter syndrome are seen as valuable to the organization. However, their self-image does not reflect that value, as they have such high standards for themselves.
Why A Growth Mindset Is Important
That’s why the idea of growth mindset is useful to those who experience imposter syndrome. When we know that intelligence is malleable and that we continue to learn and develop, it helps us understand that we are on a journey, and that we are still learning.
So, even if we do have gaps (which most of us do), it doesn’t matter, as we’re always learning how to fill them. Stanford lecturer Carol Dweck has developed the growth mindset concept over decades of research.
She has found that the most high-performing individuals tend to have a growth mindset, which means they are driven by the need to learn. They focus on mastering tasks and perceive failure to be a part of the learning process. So they are less likely to experience inadequate feelings.
The Fixed Mindset
However, people with a fixed mindset see intelligence as a fixed entity. They tend to be motivated by ‘performance goals’. They are driven to prove their intelligence, blame themselves for failure, and experience anxiety and shame.
By recognizing that the internal voice telling us we are not good enough is not real, as it is a voice from our past or based on our own unrealistic expectations, we can become more compassionate with ourselves and more objective about our inner monologue.
Being Good Enough
Although we may be high-performing and not even recognize it in ourselves, sometimes being good enough is all that we need to perform well and to succeed.
Donald Winnicott, a British paediatrician and psychoanalyst, came up with the concept of ‘good enough parenting’. This recognizes that it is unhelpful and unrealistic to demand perfection in parents. When we do, it undermines the efforts of the vast majority of parents, who are in all practical respects ‘good enough’ to meet their children’s needs. It also sets unrealistic standards for children too.
Leadership Barriers
Leaders who have the need to be perfect can create a barrier between themselves and their team. They can be seen as being able to attain unrealistic or intimidating standards. Initially, this may be inspirational, but over time it can create stress and lead to exhaustion in team members.
It can also mean that people feel unable to be honest when things aren’t ‘perfect’ or go wrong. Additionally, when a leader gains a reputation for being a consistently high performer, it can create pressure for them to constantly achieve standards that are hard maintained. And this can lead to stress and burnout.
If we adopt the same philosophy in our wider lives, the concept of being good enough removes much of the pressure we put ourselves under to be a model citizen. This means we are less likely to feel like a fraud. When we remove this stress, it helps our well-being.
How To Be Imperfect
Most People Feel The Same Way
Many of your problems stem from believing that others have better control over things, that they are saner and more intelligent, but in reality, most of us are thinking the same about each other.
You need to realize that it’s often just ‘smoke and mirrors’, as everyone is trying to project the best version of themselves.
Stay Present
When you stay present and, in the moment, you give yourself less opportunity to ruminate about all the ways you’re falling short. When you do notice yourself doing this, make a mental note of it and then bring yourself back to the present moment.
Believe In ‘Good Enough’
When you lower the benchmark for what ‘good’ looks like, you remove some of the pressures of trying to be something you don’t actually need to be.
Notice Your Superhuman Standards
When you start to pay more attention to yourself and your inner monologue, you’ll notice what you’re chastising yourself about. Once you become more aware of these standards, you can decide whether they are helping or hindering you.
Show Yourself Some Compassion
Letting yourself off the hook when it comes to knowing all of the answers, or being ‘smart’, can be very liberating. When you believe that you are still learning, along with everyone else, you can be kinder to yourself.
Set New Standards
When you know what your superhero standards are, you can choose to change them. By deciding whether your standards are based on sound and reasonable rationale, you can start to build new, more realistic standards for yourself.
Leadership Myths
Here are some of the leadership myths that we hear:
- Everyone else is more ‘together’ than me or coping better than me.
- The voices in my head are true – I’m a fraud.
- By seeming strong, you motivate the people around you.
Get Conscious
And here are some questions to ask yourself to help you get more conscious of what you’re thinking. And to ditch perfection and superhero tendencies!
Where do you feel you’re falling short in your life? Where do you think you let yourself or others down the most? Do you ever question your ability or competence? What is it about yourself that you question? Is that a voice from your past repeating itself?
Do you seek validation from those around you? When is that most prevalent? What are you good enough at? How could you apply the ‘good enough’ idea to other aspects of your life? Think of one standard you could adapt so that it’s more achievable.
Well-Being
Improving and maintaining our well-being matters for a number of reasons, not least because when our well-being is not where it should be, it affects our health, our ability to achieve what we want to, our relationships and our ability to lead.
When our well-being isn’t in balance, it can affect our outlook on life, our motivation levels and our mental clarity. So, stop trying to be a superhero and understand how to take better care of yourself.
Bio
Natasha Wallace is founder and chief coach of Conscious Works, an organizational well-being company that works with leaders and teams to create healthy, thriving and human workplaces. We believe that self-awareness and an awareness of others leads to higher levels of performance and well-being.
Main post image by Renee Fisher from Unsplash. Other image by Bruce Mars from Pexels.
